Sense of Self

When I was a little girl, I remember thinking "this person I see in the mirror isn't me... it's a shell over what I really look like on the inside." I wholeheartedly believed that this body was merely a vessel that contained everything I was down deep in my core. I would close my eyes and imagine that underneath my chubbiness and pale skin was this glowing light... like you would imagine a soul looking like in a Sci-Fi movie. Where did I get these thoughts and inner contemplations. I saw so many bad things happening between my mom and dad that sometimes the only place I felt safe was when I was all alone in my own head to fantasize about a perfect life.

I wanted to be a princess... they were loved and happy in the Disney movies... I was sad and scared. At first I didn't eat... I told my mom I was a "breatharian" that didn't need food because I could imagine the air being just as good. Then, when I was a few years older I became more aware of my body and how eating could change it... it was a sense of control even though I didn't like the weight I was putting on. I actually remember the night that I realized I wanted to eat. We were living in Oregon... it was late at night and I tasted... really tasted a tomato, let the binge eating begin. As I write this I realize that to anyone else it would sound as though I had a miserable beginning in life... but there were happy times. I am a naturally bubbly person, but my feelings from way back then and just as real as my present ones. It's hard to not want to continue to be numb and ignore the depth of my pain. But, if I ever want to finally embrace the true life I want to have... I can't hide from it.

I wish I could wash away those feelings of not being good enough in one foul swoop without having to digest every emotion and doubt. It wears me out. I want to wake up every morning and feel as though I am a complete person. I want to be comfortable with myself when it comes to my relationship and how I feel he views me. I want all of these things so badly, yet I resist exploring ways of healing my wounds completely... as if I don't know how to live life without it being bittersweet.

Home Alone & Loving It.

So tonight is one of those rare nights that I have the whole apartment to myself. No cats on my lap... guys shows on tv... or saying a word to anyone for hours. Sometimes just being quiet & making things by myself is so refreshing. I love being with my man any other night, but tonight being just me... in comfy baggy clothing... drinking tea... feels AMAZING. I created 3 new rings color combinations that were so much fun to put together that I could care less if they sell. I am enjoying challenging colors lately. Mixing light soft greens with chocolates and pale browns makes me smile... or bright oranges and pinks... DELISH! Other nights I find that instead of just going and doing what I want to do, I hang around and just follow the crowd. Not now.

Lately I've been trying to figure out just quite how I really feel about my body and the way I look/feel. In the mirror I see my face, and I don't hate it. I feel pretty. When I'm with Troy... I feel beautiful no matter what I'm wearing or whether or not I put on makeup. BUT, I see photographs of myself and cringe. How can I look in the mirror and see one thing... and then be caught on film and look like a mammoth? I love my life. I love eating delicious foods at fun places. I love going for walks when it's not raining. I love the way I feel I look from the inside out... and yet, I hate that I'm not as thin and desirable as I was a few years ago when my life was less intense. Is it possible to lose weight when I'm so happy with my current routine? I try to eat well and exercise, but then Troy's around and I compromise myself for what he wants to eat... or laying around when I could be outside climbing Galena hills. When does living with the person you love stop making your body get fatter?

I've wondered that maybe our relationship would change if I lost weight and was more self confident. Would I want this relationship the same way... would other temptations present themselves... would I be irritated if he didn't want to join me in my health quest? I think some of these inner thoughts may be real... though the only one holding me back in the present is myself. My mom always tells me to quit living in the future and worrying about things that may never happen, but to be honest... it's really hard. I'm finally feeling like my life is on the up-&-up... I'm madly in love, enjoy where I work, create something artistic daily, and am in one of the prettiest place on Earth. Now if my body would follow suit. It's a mental thing I know, and admitting it is one of the most important steps. I know I'm far from perfect but my emotional health an home are light years ahead of where I was when I was still thin and single.

Though everything I've just written is personal... I'm proud to say Troy knows all of it. I told him how I was feeling before, and the best thing in our relationship is that we talk about things like this... not awkwardly... but honestly and we still love each other more each day. He's not perfect. His brothers and friends tease him for gaining weight... heck even a rude family member makes comments about him behind his back about him becoming fat and settling with me. What is so incredibly wrong with being happy and comfortable in a good relationship that you add a few extra pounds? I am so proud of us for what we've gone through and come out ahead of that losing the love weight is not my TOP priority. Each night we laugh and have fun together... he's not sleeping on the couch or fighting with me constantly. He's my best friend. Maybe someday soon we'll both take on getting fit together... I think it will be easier as a team. But until then... the way he sees me and the way I look in the mirror to myself, feels pretty good.

Thanks for listening blog world. Good night. :)

{ My Love Letter }

"So there is this gal in my life. Some may know her. She is the one and only Chelsea "Danger" Harris.

I met her all the way back in high school at the AVC, and from then on I had hoped that I would be with her. She was gorgeous and talented, and had just the right amount of attitude that I found very attractive. Even though her sense of humor isn't as refined as my own, she is quite the hilarious lady. These are only some of the reasons I adore this woman.

Today I sit here trying to put into words, the way I feel about another person who I have been with for 2 years now. It's been tough. Its been frustrating. At times maddening. But I wouldn't want it to be any other way. It makes anyone more human, and it makes me feel so good to have any of these times with this girl.

Two years ago today, at least we have deduced, we started our terrific relationship. At first it was rocky with us being so far apart, having our own past lives still in our lives, and all of that jazz. But for us to overcome all of that and to be here where we are today shows that not only is our love for each other holding us together, but it will always be there.

She makes the ordinary, extraordinary. The bleak, bright. She does all of that for me. I love this girl so much and she hardly asks for anything. The only thing she has been begging for is this one note. Just one note that shows what she means to me. So I'm putting it here. And shouting my love on top of a mountain that is Facebook. To show not only her, but everyone that together we are better. And hope that we will be like that forever.

I love you Chelsea."

Written By: Troy Potter
March 12th, 2010

{ Roz }

My maternal grandmother Roz was the first thing on my mind when I sat down to blog today.  I watched "Julie & Julia" this afternoon & was completely overwhelmed by how much Julia Child made me think of my own childhood with my Grams around every day.  It's amazing how being a wonderful cook can impact the lives of those around you.  I lost my grandmother when I was in 6th grade and along with her passing I lost her best recipes, that coincidentally can't be found... not even in the sea of websites online. She used to make these cookies... these absolutely amazing cookies. They seemed like nothing too incredibly complicated, but she put so much love into them & they were exotic.  To this day I miss the smell of warm Almond Spice Box Cookies.  When it comes down to it, I miss the woman who made these little cookies such a big part of my life.  She was so elegant, refined, & unique. Her laugh was infectious & I don't remember ever not wanting to go to her house and spend all day with her.  We talked about family history, good teas, & World events.  I was literally a tiny girl with this intelligent older woman talking about things that I still can't broach with my peers.  She used to cook every day even though she was alone.  Hamburgers always had fresh dill... sandwiches were either on homemade bread or a fresh slice of sour dough... napkins were always on laps... butter was always the answer... & "The Joy of Cooking" was always within reach in the kitchen.  Now and then I think of my Grams & wish I could have her over to dinner here in my apartment.  I'm all grown up now, but I long to treat her to those gentle quiet times we had together... showing her my utmost respect... & love... by cooking for her with a gorgeous table set in her honor.  Tonight's dinner will be toasted in her memory.


P.s. I am most definitely buying that cook book & movie soon. :)