Sense of Self

When I was a little girl, I remember thinking "this person I see in the mirror isn't me... it's a shell over what I really look like on the inside." I wholeheartedly believed that this body was merely a vessel that contained everything I was down deep in my core. I would close my eyes and imagine that underneath my chubbiness and pale skin was this glowing light... like you would imagine a soul looking like in a Sci-Fi movie. Where did I get these thoughts and inner contemplations. I saw so many bad things happening between my mom and dad that sometimes the only place I felt safe was when I was all alone in my own head to fantasize about a perfect life.

I wanted to be a princess... they were loved and happy in the Disney movies... I was sad and scared. At first I didn't eat... I told my mom I was a "breatharian" that didn't need food because I could imagine the air being just as good. Then, when I was a few years older I became more aware of my body and how eating could change it... it was a sense of control even though I didn't like the weight I was putting on. I actually remember the night that I realized I wanted to eat. We were living in Oregon... it was late at night and I tasted... really tasted a tomato, let the binge eating begin. As I write this I realize that to anyone else it would sound as though I had a miserable beginning in life... but there were happy times. I am a naturally bubbly person, but my feelings from way back then and just as real as my present ones. It's hard to not want to continue to be numb and ignore the depth of my pain. But, if I ever want to finally embrace the true life I want to have... I can't hide from it.

I wish I could wash away those feelings of not being good enough in one foul swoop without having to digest every emotion and doubt. It wears me out. I want to wake up every morning and feel as though I am a complete person. I want to be comfortable with myself when it comes to my relationship and how I feel he views me. I want all of these things so badly, yet I resist exploring ways of healing my wounds completely... as if I don't know how to live life without it being bittersweet.