Home Alone & Loving It.

So tonight is one of those rare nights that I have the whole apartment to myself. No cats on my lap... guys shows on tv... or saying a word to anyone for hours. Sometimes just being quiet & making things by myself is so refreshing. I love being with my man any other night, but tonight being just me... in comfy baggy clothing... drinking tea... feels AMAZING. I created 3 new rings color combinations that were so much fun to put together that I could care less if they sell. I am enjoying challenging colors lately. Mixing light soft greens with chocolates and pale browns makes me smile... or bright oranges and pinks... DELISH! Other nights I find that instead of just going and doing what I want to do, I hang around and just follow the crowd. Not now.

Lately I've been trying to figure out just quite how I really feel about my body and the way I look/feel. In the mirror I see my face, and I don't hate it. I feel pretty. When I'm with Troy... I feel beautiful no matter what I'm wearing or whether or not I put on makeup. BUT, I see photographs of myself and cringe. How can I look in the mirror and see one thing... and then be caught on film and look like a mammoth? I love my life. I love eating delicious foods at fun places. I love going for walks when it's not raining. I love the way I feel I look from the inside out... and yet, I hate that I'm not as thin and desirable as I was a few years ago when my life was less intense. Is it possible to lose weight when I'm so happy with my current routine? I try to eat well and exercise, but then Troy's around and I compromise myself for what he wants to eat... or laying around when I could be outside climbing Galena hills. When does living with the person you love stop making your body get fatter?

I've wondered that maybe our relationship would change if I lost weight and was more self confident. Would I want this relationship the same way... would other temptations present themselves... would I be irritated if he didn't want to join me in my health quest? I think some of these inner thoughts may be real... though the only one holding me back in the present is myself. My mom always tells me to quit living in the future and worrying about things that may never happen, but to be honest... it's really hard. I'm finally feeling like my life is on the up-&-up... I'm madly in love, enjoy where I work, create something artistic daily, and am in one of the prettiest place on Earth. Now if my body would follow suit. It's a mental thing I know, and admitting it is one of the most important steps. I know I'm far from perfect but my emotional health an home are light years ahead of where I was when I was still thin and single.

Though everything I've just written is personal... I'm proud to say Troy knows all of it. I told him how I was feeling before, and the best thing in our relationship is that we talk about things like this... not awkwardly... but honestly and we still love each other more each day. He's not perfect. His brothers and friends tease him for gaining weight... heck even a rude family member makes comments about him behind his back about him becoming fat and settling with me. What is so incredibly wrong with being happy and comfortable in a good relationship that you add a few extra pounds? I am so proud of us for what we've gone through and come out ahead of that losing the love weight is not my TOP priority. Each night we laugh and have fun together... he's not sleeping on the couch or fighting with me constantly. He's my best friend. Maybe someday soon we'll both take on getting fit together... I think it will be easier as a team. But until then... the way he sees me and the way I look in the mirror to myself, feels pretty good.

Thanks for listening blog world. Good night. :)